I’ve long abandoned Starbucks since discovering good coffee in 2007, but some days the limited options or a time crunch warrant handing them my money in exchange for dark, hot, caffeine water.
Saturday was one of those days as I rushed home from the gym to watch the FA Cup.
I’ve had some interesting Starbucks experiences in the past. Once in Seattle a homeless man called me the n-word. Another time, someone stole my chair and moved my stuff during my 7 second walk to get a napkin. They then acted like they’d been there all day when I asked why they moved my stuff. Then there was the time where the barista couldn’t spell “Landon” and requested if she could call me something else that was easier to spell.
Anyhow, Saturday is the new frontrunner in odd Starbucks experiences.
[I pull up to the drive thru speaker.]
Barista: Welcome to Starbucks. What can we get for you?
Me: One latte…
Barista: One latte.
Me: …and a croissant.
Barista: A bagel?
Me: Croissant.
Barista: Coffee?
Me: A croissant.
Barista: A coffee?
Me: [very polite] Cruh-sahnt.
Barista: [long pause] Banana Walnut Bread?
[At this point I thought she was just mocking me. How many things does croissant sound like? And why is "Banana Walnut Bread" one of her first guesses?]
Me: I’ll start over. One latte and one croissant.
Barista: Two latte’s?
Me: Oh my.
Barista: What?
Me: [still very polite] Croissant. It’s a pastry.
Barista: So… just one latte?
Me: [feeling I might be on a hidden camera TV show] I’ll drive around to the window.
This article could’ve easily appeared on The Onion. It didn’t. It appeared in the New York Times, y’all:
But that perspective can mean a bid to save money can quickly devolve into a boondoggle. Lindsay Hall Harrison, a lawyer from Orlando, Fla., bought a $6 Groupon for $12 worth of ice cream from a shop near a beach that she and her husband had visited a couple of times. The problem: the beach was an hour and a half away, and the Harrisons weren’t always in the mood for ice cream by the time they drove there.
“We started making deliberate trips down there just to use up this Groupon,” she said. “It was the principle of the thing.” In the end, she estimated that the couple burned through two to three tanks of gasoline to claim $12 in ice cream, which, she noted, was not particularly great.
If this isn’t the culmination of every cliché of every Southern women’s store in in the world, I don’t know what is. It should surprise no one that this exists in my beloved hometown of Jasper.
Let’s review:
I’m in the middle, practicing my Truffle Shuffle, holding a candy cane.
Note: All bands and/or hipsters must contact me if interested in allowing this beauty to grace your 2012, Pitchfork perfect 10-rated, synthesizer loop filled album.
